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john
1st December 2012, 01:03
The Christmas Parrot
One day a man walked into a bar and sat down next to a guy with a parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender said, "Cute parrot, does he talk?"

The guy with the parrot says, "He does more than just talk, watch." The guy lit a match and placed it under the parrots left foot. Then the parrot started singing "Jingle Bells", it was a Christmas Parrot. The guy then placed the match under the right foot and the parrot then started to sing "The 12 days of Christmas."

The bartender said, "That's incredible". He then asked, "What does he say when you place them between his feet?"

The guy said, "You know I never tried that, let's see."

When the match was placed between the feet of the parrot the parrot began to sing a familiar tune... "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire."

With apologies to all bird lovers.

John

john
1st December 2012, 10:53
BUMP I am sure you won't mind Mart

G60dubber
3rd December 2012, 20:19
149 (click to enlarge )

made me smile

john
16th December 2012, 00:12
There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red.
He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his
wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her
and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even
looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It
must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the
Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

john
16th December 2012, 00:12
T'was the night before Christmas and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care. They'd been worn all week and needed the air.

john
16th December 2012, 00:23
Blackmail
It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mum if he could have a new bike. So, she told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mum told him that would be fine.
Sam went to his room and wrote ' Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.' But he wasn't very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote 'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.' He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either. He tried a third version. 'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.' He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.
So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter. 'Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike.'

john
16th December 2012, 00:24
Christmas Post
'A woman went into a post office to buy some stamps for her Christmas cards. What denomination do you want ? asked the lady at the counter. 'Good God!' she replied, Has it come to this? I suppose you'd better give me twenty Catholic and twenty Presbyterian.

john
16th December 2012, 00:27
A Car For Christmas

Danny had recently passed his driving test and decided to ask his clergyman father if there was any chance of him getting a car for Christmas, which was yet some months away. 'Okay.' said his father 'I tell you what I'll do. If you can get your 'A' level grades up to 'A's and 'B's, study your bible and get your hair cut, I'll consider the matter very seriously.'

A couple of months later Danny went back to his father who said 'I'm really impressed by your commitment to your studies. Your grades are excellent and the work you have put into your bible studies is very encouraging. However, I have to say I'm very disappointed that you haven't had your hair cut yet.

Danny was a smart young man who was never lost for an answer. 'Look dad. In the course of my bible studies I've noticed in the illustrations that Moses, John the Baptist, Samson and even Jesus had long hair.' 'Yes. I'm aware of that...' replied his father '... but did you also notice they walked wherever they went?'

john
16th December 2012, 00:30
Luck of the Draw
A man found himself in terrible financial difficulties. He is so desperate that for the first time in his life he gets down on his knees and prays to God for help. 'Dear God, I desperately need your help. I have no money to spend on Christmas presents for my family. Could you possibly arrange it so that I win the Lottery?' The lottery draw is held, but he wins nothing. He sends another prayer to God. 'My business has gone bust and if I don't get some money soon I'll lose my car and my Christmas will be will be very difficult. Please fix things so I win the lottery.' Lottery night comes, but he's unlucky. So he prays to God again. 'Please God, I've lost my car and now they're trying to take my house. Please help me to win the Lottery or our Christmas will be ruined.' Come lottery night, he again fails to win anything. 'Undeterred, be prays to God again. 'I am now a bankrupt, my house has been repossessed by the finance company and so has my car. We are now living on the street, but all I need to get my life back together and perhaps enjoy some kind of Christmas is to win the lottery.' Suddenly there's a flash of brilliant light as the heavens open and the man is confronted by the very voice of God himself. 'Hey, do me a favour will you, buy a ticket.'

john
16th December 2012, 00:32
Give Me A Push


It was Christmas Eve. Harry and Shirley had returned from an enjoyable midnight mass at their local church. They arrived home and spent a short while relaxing by an open fire before retiring to bed.

Some time in the middle of the night they were awoken by heavy knocking on their front door. Harry was very unhappy about this. He went down stairs and noisily unlocked the door to be confronted by disheveled man who was obviously the worse for drink.

'Th'cuse me thur. Will you helpth me with a puth."

"Help you with a push!" said Harry. "You drunken idiot! Get away from my house before I call the police! Irresponsible people like you should be banned from driving!" And slammed the door into the man's face.

He went back to bed and was astonished to find himself being reprimanded by his wife.

"How could you be so mean and uncharitable." she said. "Surely this evening's sermon must still be ringing in your ears. How the innkeeper turned Joseph and Mary away on Christmas Eve. Here you are presented with the same situation and you show yourself to be no better than that uncaring man. Shame on you."

Harry was shocked by the relevance of what he had done and was full of remorse. He ran down the stairs and opened the front door, but the man was no longer there. So, he ran down the path to his front gate to see if the man or his car was along the road; but there was no traffic or people at all.

On the off-chance that the man might still be around somewhere he shouted loudly. "Hey mister, needing a push, where are you?

The unmistakable drunken voice replied immediately. "Over here thur, on the thwing."

john
16th December 2012, 00:34
Give Us This Day
The president of the Festive Foods Corporation was included in a papal audience and he took the opportunity of making a business proposition to the Pope; that if he could arrange for the Lord's Prayer to be changed from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily turkey" throughout the whole of Advent and Christmas. In exchange the Festive Foods Corporation would give 20 million to Catholic charities. The Pope declined his offer. A few weeks later the man called the Pope and upped the offer to 50 million; but once again it was turned down. A few weeks before the beginning of Advent the man came back to the Pope with an astonishing offer of 100 million. The Pope considered all the good works that could be done with such a large amount of money and decided to go ahead. The next day he called a special meeting of the Cardinals to let them know about the situation. "Well" said the Pope. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we are to receive 100 million. The bad news is that we have lost the Wonderloaf account."

john
16th December 2012, 00:40
Another Day At The Office



Question: Why is Christmas just like another day at the office?

Answer: You end up doing all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

pete
16th December 2012, 13:02
Hi John,

Thanks for these made my day a better one, how on earth do you remember them all. ??

Pete

john
16th December 2012, 13:38
Hi Pete,
don't remember - simply pinched from elsewhere but I thought they were worth sharing.

john

Robert
16th December 2012, 17:14
Santa's Bad Day

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

john
19th December 2012, 09:44
Rather a long tail with a little northern humour. Recited during a carol service I was at last night. If you don't understand it you will maybe have to go and listen to Handel's Messiah and then come back to here.
Most people will at least have heard of great oratorio The Messiah - By Handel...

... but have you ever been to a live performance of it? One such performance was being given in Cleckheaton Town Hall many years ago, and old Cuthbert Briggs from Liversedge thought he would like to go. He tried to persuade his wife to go with him, but she wasn't too keen.

'Nay, Cuthbert lad, tha knows it's nowt in my line. Gi' me a bit o' comedy, or a singsong on t' end o' Blackpool pier. No, tha go listen and tell me abaht it when tha comes home.'

So Cuthbert went on his own. He had no idea what to expect, in fact he had never heard of 'The Messiah' - it was just that he fancied doing something a bit different from his usual Saturday night visit to the Sun Inn.

When he got back home his wife was all ears. 'Come on then, tell me all abaht it.'

'Ee, well', said Cuthbert, 'it were all reyt, but not quite what I expected. There won't a lot o' movement on stage. In fact, there won't a lot o' room on stage. It were full o' singers. Ah'd been sat there a bit when in comes a load o' fellas carrin' fiddles. Then they brought in t'biggest fiddle ah,ve ever sin. It were so big they 'ad to wheel it on in castors, an' a little chap rubbed it's belly wi' a stick, an' you should 'ave 'eard it groan. It sounded like cow wi' croup. Well, all t'fiddles joined in an' made such a racket.

Then they settled down an' it all went quiet. After about a minute in comes t'Messiah; well, I think it were 'im, because everybody clapped, an' all t'fiddles stood up to welcome 'im. He were a dapper sort o' bloke, all dolled up in a white weskit wi' a red carnation in 'is button'ole. Yes, I'm sure 'e must 'a bin t'Messiah. Then 'e picked up a little stick an' started wavin' it at everyone on t'stage. They were all starin' at 'im, wondering wot were up. Then they started to sing, and before long they were fratchin' like cats. They wanted to know who were the King O' Glory. First one side said HE were t'king, then t'other side said he were, then they went at it 'ammer an' tongs. But.. it fizzled out in t' end.

Then there were a right ter do abaht some sheep as 'as gone astray. Some of t'singers must a bin partial to a bit o' mutton, because they kept singin. 'O we like sheep.' Personally. I likes a bit o' well done steak, but ne'er mind. Well, ah think as them lost sheep must 'a beloged to one o' t' singers, because 'e stood up an' sed every mountain an' 'ill should be laid low. 'Good', ah thought ter missen, 'if they flatten all t'mountains, they'll be sure ter find t'sheep as 'ah gone astray'. Then t'organist started up an' t'band joined in and by gum, they seemed to be getting' mad o'er summat. T'wat thet were sawin' at them fiddles ah were expectin' 'em to fall apart.

Then, after that all t'women stood up to sing. Believe me, some of 'em were a bit past it, by lookin' at 'em - they must a' bin 70 if the were a day, an they sang 'unto us a child is born', an all t'fellas shouted 'wonderful'. Ah thowt, 'it's a bloomin' miracle!' Then they all composes thesens a bit and sings abaht a woman called Joyce Greatly. A've never 'eard o' her, but apparently she's a daughter of Zion, whoever 'e is.

Ah were getting' a bit fed up b'now, ah'd been sittin' for nearly two hours, when all o' a sudden ah gets a cramp in me leg. Ah jumped out o' me seat, an'… d'yer know? E'rybody else jumped up at t'same time. They must a' got cramp, same as me.

Then t'choir shouted 'Hallelujah, it's going' ter rain for ever and ever'. Well, ah'd never thowt ter bring me brolly, so ah thowt ah'd best get off 'ome afore it started. So, seein' as 'ow ah were on me feet, ah reckon ad 'ad me money's worth.

Anyroadup, it were a good do, but ah do 'ope they find them lost sheep.'

miranda
19th December 2012, 12:21
Thank you John, couldn't stop laughing!

Rory
21st December 2012, 02:45
Christmas is coming....
*


A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers…………..

Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.

She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phone then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"

His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."


"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to it !"

Rory
21st December 2012, 02:57
*
*
*On the last day of school before Christmas, the children brought gifts for their teacher.*
*
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of Holiday flowers.
*
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of Christmas candy.
*
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
*
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
*
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
*
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
*
"No," the boy replied.
*
She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?. "
*
"No," said the little boy..............
*
"It's a puppy!"
*
*

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