View Full Version : Some Funnies

11th May 2014, 23:33
Some chuckles to take away stresses of the day, if only for a few mins, enjoy


Now this is the tale of young Freddie Bloor, Whose Sexual Equipment got stuck in the door
By the time they had freed him, he didn't feel well, for his poor private parts were mangled to hell
They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew, but when they arrived, there was nought they could do.
What a sad life for Fred, condemned without choice, to a life without sex and a high squeaky voice

But, lucky for Fred, so he'll not feel a fool, some bright spark suggested a Bionic Tool
A smart new electric one, made out of brass, though the batteries would have to be kept up his a**e
So newly equipped and after a rest, Fred thought he would put his new tool to the test
So finding a woman, the nearest one handy, he plied her with a drink and made her feel randy.

The girl without waiting, put her hand in Fred's flies, When she felt what was there, gave a cry of surprise
“That's my Bionic Chopper, now let's have some fun”, “Cor Blimey” she said, “It felt like a gun”.
They both stripped off quick and Fred entered her fast, he turned up the speed knob and gave her full blast
They clutched tight to each other and Fred's d**k shook some more,they shook off the bed and rolled onto the floor.

Now the pace hotted up and they started to choke, as the air in the room became filled with blue smoke;
with a BANG Fred's left bo**ock shot up in the air, and his other went bonkitty-bonk down the stairs
So back for repair went poor Fred full of woe, Was this how his sex life was destined to go
A return to the doctor at the end of his s**g, With his pr**k in his pocket and his balls in a bag

But they fixed young Fred up, made him manly again, and they helped put the batteries with a flex to the main
So, if he can't get a girl. lucky Fred doesn't cry, cause he's now AC/DC and can go with a guy.

The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)

'For F*-#?? sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

12th May 2014, 22:35
Fishmate your a rascal perhaps we can call you mnd,s cheeky chappie. Love em but these have to be read after the watershed. Best wishes gerald.

Ps whats a watershed anyway

18th May 2014, 23:50

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

19th May 2014, 12:35
Thanks for that
Can't remember when I laugh so much last time!!
Alice xxx

19th May 2014, 18:35
Very very funny Fishmate...but Andrew has put you on the naughty step....keep up the good work...just put lots of asterisks etc. in...we're grown up enough to read between them

23rd May 2014, 02:08
A Useless Man,


Two Old Men,


31st May 2014, 01:02
Old Butch

Stuart was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Stuart's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Stuart's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do the business, and walk on to the next one.

Stuart was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the local agricultural show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in these elections, the warning bells are not always audible.


I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 73.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!

Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to
find your glasses without your glasses.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering
and take without forgetting.

The irony of life is that,
by the time you're old
enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.

God made man before
woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer
for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Golden Syrup,

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg,
so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint..
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden,
then stick your wooden leg up your a**e,....and go as a toffee apple.

A day without laughter Is a day wasted!!
"You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!
Live for today, for tomorrow is promised to no-one

Hearses don't have luggage racks.... you can't take it with you!

5th June 2014, 19:37

A sad few days. Something to lift our spirits a bit :)

CC xoxox

5th June 2014, 22:09
Yay CC that was good....but trying to recognise all the film clips......arrgh
with love from your 'banter babe' LOL

5th June 2014, 23:18
Hi Banter Babe

I couldn’t recognize most of them either, but did recognize the itsy bitsy baby Brad Pitt! He was still a little cutie. Much better now though as a grown up man I think :)

Bada Bing Sister :)
CC xox

6th June 2014, 00:58
Turn up volume,

6th June 2014, 01:45
LOL :)

Ray, please tell me you have Walmart stores in the UK? Really don’t want to believe these are all my fellow Americans!!

Proud to be an American, and even more prouder to say I don’t shop at Walmart !


6th June 2014, 02:00
Shame on you CC for blooming lying, we've all seen you now, you were on that video, admit it, or lose your friends over here,
And no, no Walmart over here....yet

Ray x

6th June 2014, 02:26

Ok, ok I been found out ! I give it up ! Now you know why I love my forum friends so much just look at this crowd I'm stuck with over here! That's why I was hoping my Biker Italian Knight would come and rescue me!! I just can't catch a break.... :(

CC xox

6th June 2014, 10:31
Asda, one of our biggest supermarket chains is owned by Walmart.


6th June 2014, 14:44
Well John just as long as the owners are nothing like their customers you have no worries over there. I on the other hand have plenty to fear. Walmart is a known retailer for guns and rifles an even more frightening thought !


6th June 2014, 14:58
:) I nearly die laughing, my neighbours are probably thinking that I've gone loony. Golden syrup was the best. Good one Ray. hahaha xx Marieline

14th June 2014, 14:12
thank you all of you for the much needed laughs xx great poem too :)

24th June 2014, 01:55
There are female jokes and there are
unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a
true female joke.
I offer it to you in the hope that women
will love it and men will pass it along to a
woman who will love it!

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an
after work cocktail with her girlfriends when
Steven, a tall, exceptionally
handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged
man entered. He was so striking that the
woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob
noticed her overly attentive stare and
walked directly toward her. (As any man
would.) Before she could offer her apologies
for staring so rudely, he leaned over and
whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely
anything, that you want me to do, no matter
how kinky, for £20.00...on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman
asked what the condition was. The man
replied, "You have to tell me what you want
me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for
a moment, and then slowly removed a £20
note from her purse, which she pressed into
the man's hand along with her address.
She looked deeply and passionately into his
eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and
excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....

"Decorate my house."


While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does
not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to
find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before,
orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not!
I want a second opinion!!!' The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice.
Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.
Vewy ware disease.' The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do?
My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
'Stupid American dottah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!'
'Oh, thank God!' the man exclaims.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor. 'Wait two week. Fawl off by itself...!'

A Cop, and a sweet little girl,


11th August 2014, 00:27
Dear Sir, I write this note to you to tell you of my plight,
for at the time of writing it I'm not a pretty sight.
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey,
and I write this note to say why I am not at work today.

While working on the fourteenth floor some bricks I had to clear,
but tossing them down from such a height was not a good idea.
The foreman wasn't very pleased, he is an awkward sod,
and he said I had to cart them down the ladders in me hod.

Well clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow,
so I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below.
But in me haste to do the job, I was too blind to see,
that a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead,
and clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead.
I shot up like a rocket, and to my dismay I found
that halfway up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

Well the barrel broke me shoulder as to the ground it sped,
and when I reached the top I banged the pulley with me head.
But I clung on tightly, numb with shock from this almighty blow,
while the barrel spilled out half it's bricks some fourteen floors below.

Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor,
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more.
But I clung on tightly to the rope, me body racked with pain,
and halfway down I met the bloody barrel once again.

The force of this collision halfway down the office block
caused multiple abrasions and a nasty case of shock.
But I clung on tightly to the rope as I fell towards the ground,
and I landed on the broken bricks the barrel had scattered round.

Well as I lay there on the floor, I thought I'd passed the worst,
but the barrel hit the pulley wheel and then the bottom burst.
A shower of bricks rained down on me, I didn't have a hope,
as I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go of the bloody rope.

The barrel now being heavier, it started down once more,
it landed right across me as I lay there on the floor.
it broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say,
I hope you`ll understand why I am not at work today.

1st September 2014, 01:03
The Class Reunion,

He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years, being high school classmates and
having attended Class Reunions in the past without fail.

For their 60th class anniversary, the widower and the widow made a foursome with
two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.

But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.

He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her.

"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”
"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes, I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me,

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~50 Shades~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My missus bought a paperback In Asda…… Saturday,
I had a look inside the bag,...T’was "Fifty Shades of Grey"
Well I just left her to it, see,..And went off up to bed
An hour later, she appeared,...Oh the sight filled me with dread!

In her hand she held a rope,...The other, held a whip!
She brandished them around a bit,...And then began to strip….
Well forty years or so, ago,...I might have had a peek
But Doris hasn’t weathered well,...She’s sixty-eight next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind,...Couldn’t be much grimmer…
And things progressed from bad to worse,..She toppled off her Zimmer !
She struggled back up to her feet,..A good half hour later,
Put her teeth back in and said,...That I must dominate her !!!

Now if you knew our Doris , see,..You’d know just why I cringed.
I’d been two months in traction, cos,..My hips and knees unhinged.
She stood there nude. All naked, like,...Bent forward quite a bit…. and
Jumping back in fright I went,...And stood on her left tit.

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,...My word. What HAD I done ?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out,..."Step on the OTHER one !!!"
Well reader, I can tell no more,..About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,...Turned fifty shades of grey.

Black and blue, battered too,..With wanton, wild perversion,
We decided that a night of sin,...Was scarce worth such exertion.
Thank Heavens she has binned the book,..And peace reigns, like before.
She’s head to toe in winceyette,...And back to back, we snore………...

2nd September 2014, 17:26
ty fishmate12 you light up the day for me :D

8th September 2014, 00:35
World Survey,

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia, New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.


He bought a jeep,


8th September 2014, 01:07
Can't stop LMAO!! :)

Hate to admit it, but that is sooo the USA !

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