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icingoncake
17th August 2011, 18:27
Hi Everyone,

I'm sorry I don't keep regularly posting on here. I read every post but I'm naughty about contributing... normally everyone else has so much better advice than I feel I ever will!

Lately, and i dont know how to put this so ill just say it. And i dont know if im fair to feel this way but i have been a little bit upset with my husband (MND 4.5 yrs now v slow progression)

I still see him as my husband, who i love and am attracted to, and up until now we have still had a very physical relationship.

Over the last few months it is as if he does not want me any more.

I thought about posting this into the carers area, but i wanted the opinion of those living with mnd (and any carers please please let me hear from you too!)

Does he still see me as his wife? It is as if he does not want to be touched in a sexual way. Romantic touch seems ok still - stroking, massage, holding hands. But anything else he gets upset.

I don't know if he sees me as his carer and not as his wife, or if the disease has progressed and means that he is finding it difficult now.

To put it politely, he has always been very much the man in the bedroom, and i don't know if he likes the idea of me taking more of the lead??? He will not even discuss it and gets angry when i try and push him because he cannot walk away from arguments like he used to and so i respect his space now more than i ever have.

I don't know what else to say really, any views either on my situation, or your own situations and views would really help me so much you cannot know.

Thanks to everyone who posts on this forum. I must try harder to keep posting more myself even if i don't feel i am qualified to help others yet!

Jenny

G60dubber
17th August 2011, 20:35
You're right to pose the question to both sides of the equation. Is he now weaker and his movements more limited? if so maybe he feels he cannot deliver the same level of touch and physical movement to fulfil what he feels he used to / should do. Also being a strong male he may be feeling a reduction in his masculine role due to the mnd. Don't forget mnd is very tiring and being tired can have an effect on the libido. He will still see you as his wife, that will never change, however his perception of self may have changed.

Z3 Driver
18th August 2011, 09:39
i agree with G60 its a very tiring illness and to be active in the bedroom really takes its toll. I myself have no movement in my right arm and a very weak left arm so certain things we can longer do. So we have had to adapt. Its also a very frustrating illness and that can reduce your sex drive. But at the same time sex can brighten your day and take away that dark cloud if only for a few moments.
my advice would be to stick with it and dont read to much into my husbands recent low sex drive. Maybe he needs you to encourage him and make him aware how sexually attracted you are to him despite MND.

Kevan

G60dubber
18th August 2011, 09:46
But at the same time sex can brighten your day and take away that dark cloud if only for a few moments.


only a few moments!! ;-)

Chris
18th August 2011, 12:44
Ive touched on this subject myself on another forum and agree with most the things that have been said already. I have been suffering in this area myself and feel i am just not upto the job, not desirable any more.

icingoncake
18th August 2011, 17:52
Thanks so much for replying everyone.


You're right to pose the question to both sides of the equation. Is he now weaker and his movements more limited? if so maybe he feels he cannot deliver the same level of touch and physical movement to fulfil what he feels he used to / should do. Also being a strong male he may be feeling a reduction in his masculine role due to the mnd. Don't forget mnd is very tiring and being tired can have an effect on the libido. He will still see you as his wife, that will never change, however his perception of self may have changed.

I think yoiu are right. he was and still is in my head. a strong and very dominant man in the bedroom. unfortunately i think with his strength he cannot be as physically strong there now. I dont know how we can try and let him be er dominant for want of a better word without relying on his physical strength. im still stuck with that as his wife. I think it is how he sees himself definitely.


i agree with G60 its a very tiring illness and to be active in the bedroom really takes its toll. I myself have no movement in my right arm and a very weak left arm so certain things we can longer do. So we have had to adapt. Its also a very frustrating illness and that can reduce your sex drive. But at the same time sex can brighten your day and take away that dark cloud if only for a few moments.
my advice would be to stick with it and dont read to much into my husbands recent low sex drive. Maybe he needs you to encourage him and make him aware how sexually attracted you are to him despite MND.

Kevan

thanks kevan. i do try and encourage him but he is still unsure of how to discuss things. its hard for me to encourage him as in our relationship it is always him that has encouraged me!!! That sounded very wrong but you understand!!


Ive touched on this subject myself on another forum and agree with most the things that have been said already. I have been suffering in this area myself and feel i am just not upto the job, not desirable any more.

do you find you are not up to the job physically chris? as in your too tired? or is it just that physical strength is the problem for you? I get the impression it may be the physical strength for my husband, but he seems uncomfortable with me being more active. its such a delicate thing to try and work out as the partner and carer of a loved one!

How have you coped with your situation chris? or is that still a work in progress?

Jenny

Jeannie
18th August 2011, 18:11
For those men who may need a little help in the bedroom. IntimateRider - Enhance Sexual Mobility for Physically Challenged video contains adult content http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRHBBZ9VUXw

Chris
18th August 2011, 18:19
Its still work in progress for me Jenny, it is managable but difficult because of strength, not being able to perform to the same level makes me feel like im a let down.

icingoncake
18th August 2011, 19:53
Its still work in progress for me Jenny, it is managable but difficult because of strength, not being able to perform to the same level makes me feel like im a let down.

I'm sure you're never a let down, Chris

icingoncake
18th August 2011, 19:55
Thank you for the link, Jeannie. I havent ever seen one of those before

PoetChristopherRobin
25th August 2011, 13:12
My Wife seems to be going down the sane road as your Husband, I look at this and say to myself, well al the times in our life time we have had sex make up for the lack of interest today.

Then again I am not even sure if something like Viagra would be safe or maybe indeed help, it could be that he’s over run down or emotionally blaming the disease on himself or you (not intentionally) but it certainly happens as I well know

I hope you manage to resolve this

MND Connect helpline