View Full Version : What did you do before Christmas

1st January 2011, 13:30
Hi Everyone,

The following is a slightly embroidered account of events of 15th. December 2010. The facts are true but I have used a little bit of poetic licence to make it a bit more interesting.

Wonderful Whopping Wednesday

What a Wonderful, whopping, day Wednesday 15th. December turned out to be. To be accurate it actually started the previous evening at 9pm with my ever faithful and lovely wife of forty four years helping me shower and getting me early to bed. Here I ask myself did she have knowledge of what was in store for me less than twenty four hours later. I still wonder though my lovely Jean denies any conspiracy with those detailed to look over me during my time in respite.
I awoke with a start at precisely 2am Wednesday morning. Had I not woken with such urgency there is little doubt in my mind that I would have wet my bed. However there was something I could not put a finger on, and for the rest of the night and with my eyes shut wide open and everything running through my mind like a heard of stampeding reindeer sleep evaded me. So on Wednesday morning not knowing or caring what the time was I was forced fed, watered with soap and my teeth (all three of them brushed and duly parted like the four hairs on my head). I found myself being made to wear a brand new red suit with a red funnel shaped matching hat with a cute white bauble on its end, that together with a wide black belt together with the grey beard I had grown made me look a complete idiot, or so I thought. But my darling wife had other ideas and promptly fitted an artificial full length beard over my pathetic 2” effort.

Then I was rudely dragged down stairs planted in my wheelchair, and if by magic found myself securely belted into the front passenger seat of our car. Next on the agenda was a visit to the post office in Llantwit Major, for her indoors to purloin my pension. Oh the embarrassment with people, some with children all pointing, smiling, and laughing at a poorly done by 67 year old man trapped by guile, and cunning, in a car for all the world to see. But, that, my friends was only the beginning.
Next came a drive though the town where I was forced to acknowledge the waves by those who did little to ease my situation. Then we arrived at the house where one of my dearly beloved’s friends live, and I thought my ordeal might be over. But I was wrong, for her friend took one look at me and laughed fit to bust a gut (or should that be fit to gut a bust) you my friend can decide on that. Next another visit to a different post office, that of the post office in Boverton. Where believe it or not Jean’s friend got out and collected her pension. So 30 minutes later a while waiting for my other halves friend, a young mother emerged from the post office with a young boy in a pushchair, who immediately pointed me out to his mother. What followed next was a complete fiasco with the car door flung wide open so the boy could speak to me in a language I found hard to understand, and me replying in an equally incoherent manner.

Then a sharp voice shouted come on we’ve not got all B%$£Y day you got to be in respite before 11am. At that I meekly said goodbye to the little lad closed the door which I had not opened in the first place and found myself being thrust into the back of by seat by a manic woman who thought she was on the starting grid of a Grand Prix when the lights had changed. How we got to Cardiff I simply can’t say, my eyes refused to open before we reached our destination, Rookwood Hospital, in Llandaff.
I thought wrongly than my ordeal was over but as usual I was well and truly wrong. I was left sitting in our car while two female despots fitted bells to the wheels of my wheelchair. By now I realised that my blushes could not be seen because of the false beard I was forced to wear, and I thought if they were seen then they might be mistaken for rosy cheeks. Next I was slowly wheeled passed a row of people wondering who the berk in the wheelchair was, and after a couple thumps where a man should never be thumped I manage a rather weak, pathetic “HO, HO, HO”, that with tears streaming down my face created so much laughter among the row of people they laughed, clapped, and thought I was part of an act.

We finally arrived at the ward where I was promptly told we don’t allow street acts in here, so go before we get security to throw you out. I said but you don’t understand, I’m here for a week’s respite. You’ll have respite a voice shouted, courtesy of a judge and HM Prisons, now move. Then a minor miracle happened a Doctor recognised my wife, “hello Jean” he said, and I though what’s going on here then, so I said politely, stay away from my wife you womanising scoundrel. Then the bomb dropped, I had been set up to play the part of Father Christmas at the ward Christmas party later that day. So I said, since when did you start having an affair with my wife you mean corruptible man. I have to be Santa, and you have been behind my back with her all the time. Then he said something about a good Ruby Port and all the mince pies I could eat. Well after that there was no argument, I thought it was a good swap, and any way I had 44 years out of her why not let some other idiot try their luck with her.

At last I was shown my bed and had a chance to eye some nurses, my first bit of enjoyment that day. Next a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits was placed in front of me, and I thought this is better but old loud mouth butted in “he can’t have those, he’s diabetic”. So my friend I dare not say my reply but I had a public order charge made against me with a £60 fine and six points on my licence, so I laughed because I don’t drive any more. I thought that’s one in the eye for PC Plod.

Then after a quick exit by my wife I had lunch, don’t ask what it was because even the chef didn’t know, and I settled down for forty winks. Five seconds, I ask you, how can a man have forty winks in five seconds, yes the ward sister had caught me unawares, so I shouted Let go or I won’t be any good in bed again, so what she said showing me her big leather whip. Do you train nurses I asked politely, no, only those who come here pretending to be Father Christmas. I answered look misses I am the real Father Christmas and removed my false beard, at which point she asked if she could join me on the bed. I said yes but, only on one condition, what’s that Santa, she asked, I want my plate of biscuits back I replied quietly.

Then it was time for me to get all dressed up again, Sister was there like a lap dog at my side suggesting I should remove some clothes. I said no we’ve not got time for any more hanky panky, and besides at my age it could cause me a heart attack. Luck was on my side, it was only my clothes she wanted off and nothing else. So after stripping me down to my underwear she proceeded to dress me up as Father Christmas.

At last I was ready but not prepared for what came next. Sister wheeled up to a set of double doors, the main entrance to the day room. With a strong push I burst through the doors with Sister shouting “Look we have a visitor”, and I responded with a rousing “Ho, Ho, Ho”. What followed was pure magic with the eyes of all at the party focussed on me including those of about thirty children. With their little faces beaming back at me I managed to wheel myself around the room with adults making it easy for me to reach every child there. My biggest reward came courtesy of a small boy about two and a half years of age. He asked if he could go round the room with me as I continued talking to those I had no yet reached. His little face was radiant when his mother (a nurse on my ward) said yes to his request. Full of pride this little boy said to every child I met “Look I’m Father Christmas’s friend”. Sadly after handing out presents to each of the children my voice went and I lost the ability to speak. Sister realised I had a problem and said it was time for me to leave. I left the day room sorry because I could not continue with the part of Santa.

Back in the ward I removed my false beard while sister made me a good mug of tea. With it she brought some mince pies and some biscuits. I spent the best part of the following two days asleep in bed, only rising to use the small room.

There have been many happy times in my life but, the party, and the children’s beaming faces make last Wednesday one of the best, and a sweet memory that will live with for the rest of my days.

Happy New Year,

Stuart aka Countyboy.

1st January 2011, 14:06
Great read Stuart :)

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