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Thread: It's a Joke!

  1. #81
    Forum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    Nope, you've got to be a monk too!

    Oh I see you will be a monk to, in that case yes of course see you in 2050 when you make monkdom!

    Tee Hee,

    Last edited by John14; 13th November 2015 at 16:20.

  2. #82
    Forum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    The importance of having an occupation after retirement.

    As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.
    It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other
    "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

    Harold Schlumberg is such a person:


    "I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'

    Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy
    most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and
    fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

    Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

  3. #83
    Forum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith.

    So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

    After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

    So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
    answered the door if they could spend the night.

    'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
    all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid
    the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

    'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if
    the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

    The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and
    settled in for the night.

    Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
    They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

    But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

    It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
    that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on
    the ski weekend.

    He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember
    that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday
    up north about 9 months ago?'

    'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

    'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
    the house and pay her a visit?'

    'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found
    out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

    'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

    Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
    'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.

    Why do you ask?'

    'She just died and left me everything.'

    (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... )

  4. #84
    Forum Member lorret's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    Very lol.

  5. #85
    Forum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    This one is in memory of Ray (Fishmate12) he posted it awhile back. I remember liking it so much I posted in our break room where I worked and everyone enjoyed it.

    A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.

    They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.

    The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past.

    One asked, "Do you know this guy?"

    The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."

    The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below.

    The same two guys walk by.

    The first asks, "Do you know him?"

    The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."

  6. #86
    Forum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: "A man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: "That's also a man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst says: "You are obsessed with sex." The patient says: "What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.''

  7. #87
    Forum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Picture the scene. 5 yr old little girl in the car with her grandmother when grandmother stops the car and pulls over suffering with severe indigestion, she takes a tablet stops a while then carries on to the supermarket. Standing at the checkout with the grandchild chatting to a man behind in the queue the lady in front suddenly releases very loud wind, the grandaughter turns to the man and says so sorry its nannies tablets she had to stop the car when we were coming here. The guilty party paid for her shopping and calmly walked off, the gentleman turned to the grabdmother and said " dont worry love, if that had been my wife she would have blamed me". I smiled sweetly and left the shop. Xx

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