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Thread: Male carer for female patients

  1. #1

    Male carer for female patients

    I just thought I'd run this past you ladies although you gents may have an opinion ifèr the tables were turned.

    My care agency which provides morning and midday care have decided to put one male and one female carer in my double handed package. When the package was first put out to tender it was stipulated that I wanted female carers only. I have my reasons which are very personal. In the morning I need all care to get me out of bed, dress me and toilet me on the commode with all the joy that brings! It's taken me ages to accept care at all and I now feel comfortable with my female carers. They have now given me a male carer who incidentally gives me the creeps to work with a female and I feel so uncomfortable with this set up. I loathe having this man being there when I am being dressed or toileted and cleaned up, it's just so embarrassing. Then when I have finished on the commode he's got his hands down my pants putting them up through the hoist sling with my trousers.

    I have no problem with him doing anything else for me just not personal care. I have spoken to the care agency on several occasions as he is only one of two men on their staff and I have had female carers up to now. They say that they cannot change it and if I don't like it I will have to find another agency. I have no other issues with his agency and I'm wondering if other ladies on here think I'm being unreasonable. I don't think it would bother me so much if I were in my 90s but I'm relatively young and generally a very private person anyway. I already feel sick thinking about tomorrow as I know I will want to jump in a big hole

    Incidentally yesterday they sent this man and a young girl who had never done care before. Bearing in mind I have no use in my arms and legs and very little Core strength and balance it was a terrifying experience and how I didn't land on the floor I will never know. Talk about continuation of care and staff being trained to deal with specific conditions like MND-that's a joke. Hope I haven't made any body feel sick with details of my personal-care eek.

  2. #2
    jay jay
    Just read this and although I don't have careres at the moment I'm dreading finding myself in the same situation as you.I think it's wrong that you can't have female only carers like you say it's bad enough having a female doing personal care.I'm sure there are woman that would be happy to have male carer but it's a very personal thing.
    I hope you can get it sorted and the agency send you females again.
    Best wishes

  3. #3
    Forum Member Davetherave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Bradford, West Yorkshire
    Hi Kernowcluck

    No I don't think you are being unreasonable in wanting a female carer, I fully understand that you may feel uncomfortable with a male carer dealing with your personal care. The care agency shouldn't insist on sending a male carer, I would change agency's if it's not too much hassle.

    All the best, Dave..

  4. #4
    I wouldn't want a male carer for personal care. Fortunately my niece is my carer. BC

  5. #5
    Hi sweetie,
    You have every right to refuse to have a particular carer if he makes you feel uncomfortable. My dad has had a couple of carers he was not comfortable with and sent a formal request to the care company not to have them. The care company put a lot of pressure on my mum about the subject, this isn't acceptable! In the end I had to get in touch with her contact in the local authorities adult care services to resolve the issue. You have a right to be treated with respect and dignity, and if a particular carer makes you feel uncomfortable you have a right to say no, no matter what their sex.

    I would put your request in an email to them initially telling them your feelings in a very polite and constructive way. Copy this to your social care contact at the local authority, and ask for a written response. Some of these care companies really push individual patients when they shouldn't and back down when the local authority become involved. They seem to use this threat suggesting you use another agency quite frequently, knowing that someone vulnerable won't want to go through the hassle of the change.

    Good luck
    Wendy x

  6. #6
    Forum Member Ellie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Hi KC,

    (FWIW, at this stage I am battle-hardened in my dealings & experiences w/ care agencies and carers. I know one has to be firm from the start or they'll walk all over you )

    I am horrified that any carer should put their hands inside your pants. The whole ethos of caring needs to be based on dignity. I hope you made it clear that was unacceptable.

    You've a right to request a change of carer you are not comfortable with, irrespective of their gender. You stipulated "Female Carers only" so the Agency should respect that and if they continue playing hardball, you may not have an option but to change agency. It's unsettling (and a PITA changing) but you need to be able to trust that the agency upholds your wishes.

    You should email the Client Manager, outlining your grievances and suggest a solution. Don't let them push you around!

    Re male carers: once I was used to having carers, I had some male carers and tbh, by then I cared more about how good they were rather than their gender. Often in hospices/hospitals there isn't a choice of carer.

    Re toiletting: KC when you get new bathroom, will it have a bidet loo?

    Ellie x
    ​Diagnosed 03/2007. Sporadic Definite ALS/MND Limb Onset.
    Eye gaze user - No working limbs - No speech - Feeding tube - Overnight NIV.

  7. #7
    Thank you for all your replies. I'm just glad my first two visits of the day are over now . I know I have a male carer at teatime , With a female, but I don't mind him as it's just a toileting visit and he is such a nice young man. This other one however just gives me the creeps. I'm probably being totally irrational as during my 35 years nursing I have met some really cracking male nurses but have never thought about how I would feel if I were on the receiving end. I would rather not have to change agencies as I am happy with the rest of the staff and they now know me and we don't have a lot to choose from down here.

    Yes Ellie when I get my wet room it will have wash and blow dry facilities. I think it will be Champagne all round if it ever happens! Whoo hoo I can't wait to sit on a grown-up toilet

  8. #8
    Hi KC

    As all others have said it's not at all unreasonable. Stick to your guns it's your body, your care, your rights, and dignities as well as your health, and well being.


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