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Thread: A little advice on a sensitive subject

  1. #1
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    A little advice on a sensitive subject

    Hi guys,

    My father in law is suffering from PBP and my mum has fallen out of love with him and into depression.

    His speech has gotten very bad and he's beginning to find it difficult swallowing liquids now and then, otherwise he's in excellent physical condition (he works as a carpenter and an artist).

    Before he was diagnosed he and my mum had been going through bad patches with my mum wanting to leave him and didn't want anything from him (she is still fond of him but has fallen out of love with him and feeling sorry for him is not a reason to stay together).
    We convinced them to give it 6 months, and for them both to make an effort to change certain things about each other but nothing really changed.

    They are both lovely people but they are just not right for each other (some things you only find out after living together for years).

    Since then, he was diagnosed with PBP and she has been standing by his side every single step of the way, especially since he has refused to accept his condition (its been 6months) and is attempting natural dietary remedies and has stopped going to his hospital appointments - basically doing anything and everything for him.

    The more his condition worsens the more he retreats inwards and pushes her away. Its gotten to the point where he doesn't speak to her at all no matter what she does and is aggressive if she voices her feelings (not yet physically).

    I can't possibly imagine what he is going through and no doubt its the cause of his behavior. Equally the partner to anyone with such a condition has their own troubles but its come to the point where she wants him to move back to his own house and separate as she has fallen out of love with him, is fed up of being depressed and afraid of him.

    Has anyone here any advice on the matter or has anyone gone through or had family members go through something similar?

    Thanks in advance for your time and help.

  2. #2
    Forum Member Terry's Avatar
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    Hi Kushy;

    Almost every partner goes through the mill quite a bit and it tests most relationships.

    I guess antidepressants might help your mum but really your father in law needs to man up and go to the hospital appointment and get help for his issues.

    I thick that most partners would leave if we didn't try to sort things out while we can.

    Maybe speak to your father in law and ask him how does he want it to go. Explain what will probably happen if he doesn't get help eating and drinking things, etc.

    Good luck for your mums sake.

    Love Terry
    TB once said that "The forum is still the best source for friendship and information."

    It will only remain so if new people post and keep us updated on things that work or don't work and tips.

    Please post on old threads that are of use so that others see them and feel free to start new subjects and threads.

  3. #3
    Forum Member Barry52's Avatar
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    Hi Kushy,

    My wife and I went through a similar experience 3 years into my diagnosis. I started to take antidepressants to make life easier for everyone and still do. My wife knew what was to come in terms of my decline in health and she said from the the moment we knew that she was never going to be a carer.
    I am fortunate to have a slow progression MND but it still has it’s challenges. My wife and I agreed we would live apart Monday to Friday and she comes over every weekend. We have lots to catch up on and it works well for us. We still love each other but the relationship is stronger and we don’t argue like we used to.
    Initially my family were horrified by our decision but after 3 years they now accept it works for us. I hope your fil can learn to accept his illness and overcome the depression.

    Best wishes,
    Barry
    Iím going to do this even if it kills me!

  4. #4
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    Norwich, UK
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    Hi Kushy,

    My best friend and I are very close. We've house shared since 2012, and have been best friends for 11 years now. In many respects we are like partners, or sisters. People who meet us tend to think we are married, we just have that kind of relationship.

    She was diagnosed with fast progressing MND 18 months ago, and in that time has gone from using crutches to being bed bound. It's been a rough couple of years.

    Our friendship suffered when I shifted roles from being her friend to being her carer. It's been a tough road going back to being friends now we have a team of professional carers looking after her. I still help out, a little more than I'd like but not as much as she'd like. She feels that any time I spend on my own, like right now, I'm avoiding her. I feel like any time I spend alone is me recharging my batteries and getting on with life.

    MND is hard on relationships, even loving strong relationships. Can't imagine what it's like if one of the members doesn't want to be there in the first place.

    If your father in law isn't even admitting to himself he has MND and isn't trying to get help for it, that is going to quadruple the stress on anyone and everyone trying to support him. The best thing he can do, for himself and the people he cares about, is get professionals helping as much as possible. The more the carers and professionals can deal with the disease, the more stress they'll take off of the people around him, allowing friends and family to support him emotionally without getting overwhelmed themselves.

    My friend and I are now friends again, and I love spending time with her, but only because she is getting professional support. It is essential.

    Pen
    Hanging in there, one day at a time.

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