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Thread: Boxes

  1. #1
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    Boxes

    Boxes
    By Renée Mineart, 10 Dec 2018

    Boxes fill the room in which I sit.
    Cubes of cardboard cover the floor.
    Packing my life away makes me sick.
    Not sure I can take this anxiety much more.

    I take my best friend’s things off the shelves.
    Off the walls and out of drawers.
    And pack it all carefully into boxes.
    The tape gun scraps across the lid.

    How neatly our lives fit into boxes.
    My sister is in one right now.
    Not breathing, no heart beating.
    She will never again see her things.

    Like my heart, this poem is broken.
    It doesn’t rhyme or beat like it should.
    My muscles constantly tense, head often pounding.
    Not sleeping, but always yawning.

    I did my best, I did all I could.
    I tried to do all that she asked.
    She was my friend during times of good.
    And I held her hand till the line stopped beating.

    I gave up everything.
    Everything I had, Everything I am.
    Everything I worked to create.
    And now, all I’m left with, are boxes.

    Boxes to be moved.
    Boxes to be binned.
    Boxes to be given away.
    And one box, to the furnace I will carry.
    Hanging in there, one day at a time.

  2. #2
    Forum Member Twinkle's Avatar
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    Lovely poem penwiggle and I can relate to some of it.
    How are you doing after your friends passing? I feel lost and it's not quite sunk in yet that my darling isn't coming home.
    Sweet and loving thoughts to you xxxxx

  3. #3
    Forum Member Kayleigh's Avatar
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    Dear Penwiggle,

    That is a very moving poem. Thank you for sharing it with us. It is a powerful poem that speaks a thousand words about the strong and painful emotions that you are experiencing.

    I ofen worry about how upsetting it is going to be for my loved ones to sort out my belongings, when the time comes. Your poem paints a very vivid picture ouf what the future will be like for them.

    You must miss your darling Ezri terribly but please find comfort in the fact that you did everything you possibly could and more to make sure that she was looked after properly. You devoted your time and to caring for her which was such a loving, generous and caring thing to do. I remember you made sure that Ezri was pampered before her daughter's wedding, so that she could look her best for the occasion - that was so kind and thoughtful of you, and it must have meant the World to Ezri.

    When we lose someone close to us, it can seem that our life has come crashing down and has shattered into tiny pieces. Somehow, we pick up the pieces and put them back together again, bit by bit, as best we can. The pieces never go back together exactly the same as before, and our life is never the same again ..but we do this so that we can continue with our lives, one day at a time, just as our loved ones would have wanted us to do.

    This must be such a difficult time for you Penwiggle and I am so sorry for your loss. You are a strong woman and so you will get through these rough times and in time, you will find youself on a smother path, with the happy memories of your beloved Ezri to keep you company and comfort you.

    Love,
    Kayleigh x
    We are a fabulous forum family - the precious bond we all share is powerful and strong!

  4. #4
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    how moving, yes , always remember you did your very best. You showed such loyalty and friendship, you were a true friend x

  5. #5
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    Thank you everyone for your kind words. It helped me a lot to write that poem, and to share it.

    To Kayleigh, and others that are inflicted by this terrible disease, I have this recommendation:

    Make sure, every day before your carers leave or go to bed, that you say thank you, that you let them know how much their help means to you. Even if they got things wrong, or it's been a tough day on everyone, tell them thank you. Remind them you love them.

    Every time one of our carers left the house, I always made sure I thanked them for their help. Even if they were here for a 45 minute double-up shift, and wasn't needed, so that sat and chatted with Ezri and did nothing else, I thanked them for keeping her company. I made sure everyone that came through that door to help, knew they were appreciated.

    Every night before I went to bed, I made sure to hug and kiss Ezri, and did my best to end the day on good terms. I told her I loved her and was glad she was a part of my life.

    But, I do wish Ezri had thanked me more. I know she loved me, and appreciated all I did for her, I just wished she had shown it a bit more. She was always very good at putting her children, her dog, her brother and his wife and her parent first, (and in that order) and telling them how much she loved them. Sometimes, just sometimes, I felt a little under-appreciated. But, that is also one of the things that was very different about us, I don't have strong ties to my family, she always did. My family lives 1/2 way around the world and I barely have contact with any of them, and am not really bothered by it (I'm the youngest of 8, btw). But for her, family came first. And although I've always been told I'm part of their family, and I am, just not quite the same though as the actual family.

    And, there is no need to speak on Ezri's behalf, I do know, in my heart of hearts, that she valued me and appreciated all I did. I know that. But it would have been nice to hear it a bit more, from her.

    Several months ago I realised I was never going to get the positive feedback from her I craved, so settled in my heart that I would do my best for her, and would assure myself that I did my best. I have no doubts that I did my best, that I gave my all. No regrets.

    One last piece of advice. Tell the people in your life everything weighing on your heart.

    One thing that none of us really talk about, and isn't common knowledge, is that for the first year of our friendship, Ezri and I were lovers. Her children knew, of course, and her brother and his wife, and our friends. But at the time, Ezri hadn't yet come out as gay to her parents, and we kept our relationship as friendship in their eyes. Now, her parents are very smart cookies. They suspected she was gay from a young age, and I'm sure they knew we were more than friends.

    About a year into our relationship, we realised, that even though we cared deeply for each other, we weren't what the other person needed. So, over the course of about 3 months, we slowly untangled our love. Over time, we stopped kissing, then slowly, stopped holding hands, and returned to just being best friends.

    I moved on to another relationship, but it only lasted a few months. Ezri fell in love, got married, then divorced. Then took another lover for a time before we started house sharing.

    I told her, late last year, that deep down in my heart, I had never stopped being in love with her. And it is that love that saw me through the last 2 years, and is keeping me going now. We were soulmates, and I have NO REGRETS.

    Pen
    Hanging in there, one day at a time.

  6. #6
    Hi Pen

    Thanks ever so much for keeping in touch and for your very good advice about saying "Thank you"

    Something I am going to have to remember!

    Doug

  7. #7
    Forum Member Kayleigh's Avatar
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    I don't think that you have anything to worry about Doug - I am sure that you are always the perfect gentleman!

    I am sorry to read that Ezri was not openly appreciative of all the love and kindness that Pen showed her. However, not everyone who is diagnosed with MND becomes a seemingly ungrateful person. There are times in life when stress and anxiety can make us angry, and sometimes we take it out on those closest to us (especially if we think that it will be tolerated because we think that those people are going to stay with us out of love, no matter what).

    I would be completely lost without the love of my family. MND is destructive, but I refuse to let it destroy my good manners or my appreciation of my loved ones! I don't want my loved ones' fond memories of me to be tainted by recollections of me being discourteous or ungrateful.

    Anyway, if I was ever rude to any of my loved ones, I would soon be told to 'buck my ideas up' - and so that would soon put a stop it! That's just the way it is In our house - bad manners are banned, and being affected by MND is not going to change that.

    "Kind words cost nothing, but when they are spoken from the heart they mean everything to me."

    Love and best wishes,
    Kayleigh xx
    Last edited by Kayleigh; 12th December 2018 at 02:27.
    We are a fabulous forum family - the precious bond we all share is powerful and strong!

  8. #8
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    Hi Kayleigh,

    I think you're spot on there. And I know Ezri wasn't angry at me, and I do know she very much appreciated having me around.

    I have come to realise that I actually lost Ezri, slowly, starting about 14 months ago. She wasn't the same person I knew before the MND. I'm working now to awaken memories of Ezri before MND. Have found gigabytes of photos going back years, that is helping me remember the Ezri I knew and loved.

    I understand her anger and frustration, and I'm honestly glad I was there to vent at/towards, and not her children. I know that was part of the unspoken deal we had too. She was adamant that her children get on with their lives, and didn't want them to stop living to look after her. That was my job. And I did it well.

    Picked up the keys to my new home today, and life is starting to move forward, albeit at a crawl.

    Am taking Ezri on her very last car ride in the morning, am driving the hearse from the funeral home to the crematorium. Going to be an emotional day.

    Pen
    Hanging in there, one day at a time.

  9. #9
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    Thinking of you tomorrow on what will be a sad and difficult day.

  10. #10
    Forum Member Kayleigh's Avatar
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    Hello Pen,
    It is wonderful that your have found some old photos of Ezri to remind you of many happy times that you shared together. The happy memories are the ones which you will take with you to your new home and which you will always treasure in your heart.

    Funerals are always so emotional and you will be in my thoughts tomorrow. Once the solemn formalities of the funeral have been completed, I hope that there will be a chance for you and other family members and friends to chat about all the happy times you shared with Ezri.

    ----------

    RIP Ezri
    Your brave battle with MND is over,
    it can't harm you now.
    The days of struggling have ended,
    now you are swaythed in tranquility and peace.
    Hearbreaking that you were taken from us,
    heartwarming are the precious memories of you.
    Goodnight and sweet dreams Ezri.
    May you rest in peace.
    ----------

    Love
    Kayleigh x
    Last edited by Kayleigh; 13th December 2018 at 02:17.
    We are a fabulous forum family - the precious bond we all share is powerful and strong!

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