Hi Everyone,

It's been a few months since I posted, and this year isn't going anything like I had expected.

You last saw me in January, and life was still 'just' a mess then. I'd not long moved into a 1-bedroom place and was trying to get settled. I was optimistic back then that I'd find a job in no time. But it seems that being out of the IT field for 2 years doesn't encourage people to hire you.

Life has taken a decisive left turn from being a mess to being... something worse.

So, am learning to get by on benefits, which don't even come close to covering my monthly bills. Earning a bit of money here and there writing, but not enough.

Grief is amazingly persistent. I just saw Betty Boops' post, and it sounds like she's still struggling 18 months later. My friend passed 7 months ago in a few days, and I can appreciate how Betty is feeling.

Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray Love just lost someone she was close to. She recently posted the following to her Facebook page, and if you have FB, I'd recommend finding her page and reading the full text. This is just a part of it, but it helped me.

"That’s when she told me that I had it all wrong. My job on this earth was never to become a perfect caregiver. Or a perfect anything. My job on this earth (according to Rayya in her last days) has only ever to learn how to find mercy for myself. Mercy for the difficult — sometimes impossible — dilemma of being human.

So for anyone out there today who is “failing” at being the perfect caregiver, the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect friend...please drop the knife you are holding at your own throat. It was never your job to be the perfect ANYTHING. Your only job is to find mercy — starting with you. Again and again and again."


But still, that isn't to say it's easy to forgive yourself. I keep reminding myself that I did my best, I gave my all. But still, I wish I could have done more.

Life just doesn't seem to be moving forward. And when it does, it soon moves backwards 2 steps.

Today is a zero day. A day where I do nothing. My 3rd migraine of the day has not long started, and I've essentially done nothing today. And, not beating myself up about it either. Just gotta let some days go.

My friend's family has stopped coming around or staying in contact. Everyone has returned to their lives and I'm just here. I'm reconnecting a bit with old friends, but don't have anyone close. I miss my friend SO FREAKING MUCH.

Pen