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Apparently I am a f****** idiot

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    Apparently I am a f****** idiot

    Yes that's what I have to deal with. This is the second time in 24 hours I have been called this. My crime? The first yesterday was because I dared to suggest that we drop a large parcel off at the Hermes depot before picking up a friend to make more room in the car and the second misdemeanour was about an hour ago whilst helping him with an important email and I didn't understand what he was asking me to type!
    The post from Penwiggle about her friend not being appreciative rings so true but this abuse is bringing me down. I no longer want to be his wife or his carer because he is so nasty to me. Sarcastic and downright nasty - on a regular basis. I just said to him that one of these days if he carries on I will go. He said, 'F****** go then!"
    He's gone to bed now to watch TV. After he's had help going to the loo, brushing his teeth, hair combed and made comfortable whilst I'm here typing this. I have to be up at 6.45am to start all over again. So very fed up with it all.

    Boiler

    #2
    Hi Boiler. I can completely understand what you say. The thing that helped me with this is the realisation that MND can affect peoples' behaviour. So sometimes my Dad would be so cross and angry and I came to realise this was the MBD not him. He also had bad days which were completely understandable with everything he's going through. We take it put on the ones we l9ve I guess. I completely understand what you're saying. X

    Comment


      #3
      Mbd = mnd

      Comment


        #4
        Hi boiler.
        I'm a carer to my wife and a lot of what she comes out with puts me in a similar situation as yourself, I look at it this way, that it's the frustration and trying to push you away in the hope that it will save you some hurt, just keep doing all you can.
        Best wishes
        Tim and Mary

        Comment


          #5
          Hi Boiler;

          You don't deserve that and shouldn't take it.

          I do get uptight, so does my wife, mainly over communication problems. So we do get angry with each other a bit but I know that I have to back down or keep quite to keep her sane.

          Life is hard for both of you and frustrating. Sometimes Mnd can make people extra aggressive, both verbally and physically but I don't know if there's a in between. Maybe a SSRI antidepressant drug would curb his feelings but best to speak to his specialist if you think that there is a problem in that area.

          Feel for you, Hugs Terry
          TB once said that "The forum is still the best source for friendship and information."

          It will only remain so if new people post and keep us updated on things that work or don't work and tips.

          Please post on old threads that are of use so that others see them and feel free to start new subjects and threads.

          Comment


            #6
            Hi Boiler
            Yes, Terry is right. We have the same here. I am very often temporarily 'useless' (more smiley faces here). Previously I have been temporarily ...useless on a number of occasions too (plenty more smiley faces here too). This is the nature of the beast. Talk to your nearest MND centre and ask for something to take the edges off things for your husband. Mine has Citalopram. Things aren't perfect but it will help to stop you walking out.
            Best wishes
            Fru xx

            Comment


              #7
              Sorry to be so negative but I'm so tired I can barely see straight. I do make allowances for the possibility that it is MND related and hold my tongue most times, especially if our children are around. It's definitely time to speak to someone about it. You tend to give yourself a talking to and muddle through but I don't know how much more I can take. He never apologises for his language or the things he says which if he did, maybe I could deal with it better. Anyway, time to get the tea on. Thanks for your support all x

              Comment


                #8
                Hi boiler,

                No need to apologise for anything, life ain't always a bed of roses, with Mnd.

                Does your husband realise how much extra work you have now?

                Things are very different to when two of you were doing things. Most couples share out responsibilities and work, be it that the woman quite often does the lion's share.

                But when you have to do nearly everything and then look after your husband, it's so hard.

                You have so many things to do and remember you will make mistakes and he should realise that. I hope that he can appolagise. He might be able to stop his outbursts with out drugs but he can say sorry, although it's often the hardest word.

                Fru's right about Citalopram, it is a antidepressant but also helps the frontal lob area of the brain that can sometimes be a little damaged because of the Mnd. Mine has a bit of damage.

                Love Terry
                TB once said that "The forum is still the best source for friendship and information."

                It will only remain so if new people post and keep us updated on things that work or don't work and tips.

                Please post on old threads that are of use so that others see them and feel free to start new subjects and threads.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Hello Boiler,

                  No need for you to apologise. I would have 'blown my top' by now - you must have the patience of a Saint! It is upsetting to think that you are not being treated with the respect and kindness you deserve. From reading your posts, I can tell that you are a very caring, kind and thoughtful lady, and I send you my love and hugs in appreciation of this.

                  Each day must not only be physically draining for you but emotionally draining as well. I may be wrong, but I get the impression that you are managing with little or no help. It is essential that you have time to yourself and that you get enough time to rest and relax. At the moment, I can manage to look after myself at home for several hours (all day, if necessary) so that my family can have a break and time to themselves. However, in future, I realise that I will I not be able to be so independent and I will need to get carers in. At first, I will probably be a bit of a 'Mrs Grumpy' about having strangers in the house to help me, but for the sake of my family's sanity and so that they can get enough time to rest and relax, I know that it is something I will get used to. I am encouraged by others on this forum (including Ellie, Pinkelle and Newbie17) who all say that having carers in to help is a positive experience. Hopefully, if you do not get much help at the moment, I hope this can be arranged, so that you can get regular breaks and also plenty of 'me time' that you definitely deserve.

                  Although I have MND, and this diagnosis can stir up many emotions in me (sadness, anger, frustration, dispair etc), it is up to me how I handle these emotions. Having MND is devastating , but it does not give me licence to take out any feelings, such as anger or frustration, on other people. It is not their fault that I have MND and life is not exactly a picnic for them either! When we get married, we make a commitment to love, honour and support the person we are marrying, in sickness and in health - but no-where in the vows do we agree to be an 'emotional punchbag', servant or slave.

                  I hope that things soon change for the better for you and that you get the love, respect and appreciation that you deserve.

                  Love,
                  Kayleigh x
                  Last edited by Kayleigh; 12 December 2018, 21:21.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Hello again Boiler,

                    Maybe, when he starts to get verbally abusive or critical of you, try walking out of the room or maybe even go out of the house for a short time (if you can). Hopefully, he will get the message that he is not going to get your attention if he is rude to you. Also, he might get bored of venting his anger if there is no-one listening to him!

                    In other words, don't reward bad behaviour with your attention (this is a great tip that I was given when I was a childminder!).

                    Kayleigh x
                    Last edited by Kayleigh; 12 December 2018, 17:54.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Hi Boiler,

                      Just to echo what others have said, I was frustrated and occasionally angry in the early days following diagnosis and it was my best friend who had a breakdown who suggested I take antidepressants. This was sound advice as it helped me to rationalise the problems when living with MND. It can affect our rationale and although I’m not making excuses for your husband’s behaviour maybe you should have the discussion. You may also suggest counselling but if he refuses then maybe you should restrict his assistance. I’m not suggesting you leave him to starve but be less obliging.

                      Best wishes,
                      Barry
                      I’m going to do this even if it kills me!

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Hi all

                        Thank you for your messages. My husband will not take anti depressants. I do zone out when he starts and will not make eye contact with him and I don't offer to help him - he has to ask for it. I do the essential stuff and that's it. The difficult part is sussing out whether this is actually MND or not. If I knew for sure it was then I would make allowances but on the other hand, don't want to be a doormat!!
                        If he was treating me like this without the MND I would have been long gone!
                        Anyway the next clinic appointment is around February time so in advance of that I will ring them to ask for this cognitive test to be done. I lost my bottle last time because I didn't want to throw him under the bus and add to the problems but we cannot go on as we are without some kind of help. It is just me as he will not have strangers in the house and I am absolutely dreading next year when the youngest leaves for uni. She is so worried about the situation but this is not her cross to carry..."for better for worse" and all that..so I've made sure she applies to where she really wants to go and not ones closer to look out for us..

                        Boiler x

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                          #13
                          Hi Boiler;

                          I do worry for you. Some people write about little things but I don't think you're that type. Whether it is the Mnd or not, you need some praise and for him to show some happiness towards you, otherwise what's the point if he would be just as happy in a nursing home.

                          If he is a bit aggressive, then a antidepressant such as Barry is taking could change that and make the difference.

                          It's not fair him refusing outside help if you want it. What happens if you brake, in any way.

                          Hugs, Terry
                          TB once said that "The forum is still the best source for friendship and information."

                          It will only remain so if new people post and keep us updated on things that work or don't work and tips.

                          Please post on old threads that are of use so that others see them and feel free to start new subjects and threads.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Hello Boiler,

                            The 'in sickness and in health' bit works both ways. You are supporting your husband and he should also be supporting you by giving you emotional support and also by encouraging you to get in any help you may need to ease your workload. Lots of people have cleaners in to do the housework/ironing etc and it is seen as a positive thing to do so that we can have more quality time with family and friends. I know that in future I am going to need help from carers and possibly a cleaner. This will be a necessity rather than being put to me as optional (because the health and wellbeing of my family comes first). I will start off by having help/carers in for a short amount of time so that I can get used to them being in my home and then build up the hours, if necessary.

                            After being diagnosed MND, I have had to accept that life is never going to be the same as it was before, but there are things that can be done to help me and my family to make life easier.

                            Understandably, the diagnosis of MND can cause anxiety/depression and it is no-one's fault if they suffer from it. My anxiety went through the roof after being diagnosed (not my fault) but it would have been my fault if I had not even considered the options available to treat it. I have found that medication and counselling have been very effective. If Mr Boiler does have anxiety/depression, I hope that he will recognise it is a medical condition that can be treated - and that his and his famiy's life can be much more pleasant if he accepts treatment.

                            You must be so proud of your youngest daughter going to University. It is understandable that you will miss her terribly, if she moves away from home. However, Universities have regular long holidays and so it will never be long before she comes home with a big bag of washing and wanting a big hug from her mum!
                            Love
                            Kayleigh xx
                            Last edited by Kayleigh; 13 December 2018, 17:18.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Hi Believe and welcome to the forum;

                              Sorry to hear you're in a similar situation to Boiler is with your husband. I can only say the same to you as I've said to Boiler.

                              Best wishes, Terry

                              PS:- Please break you're typing up into paragraphs, just to make things easier to read and follow.
                              TB once said that "The forum is still the best source for friendship and information."

                              It will only remain so if new people post and keep us updated on things that work or don't work and tips.

                              Please post on old threads that are of use so that others see them and feel free to start new subjects and threads.

                              Comment

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