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Grief and other things that suck

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    Grief and other things that suck

    Hi Everyone,

    It's been a few months since I posted, and this year isn't going anything like I had expected.

    You last saw me in January, and life was still 'just' a mess then. I'd not long moved into a 1-bedroom place and was trying to get settled. I was optimistic back then that I'd find a job in no time. But it seems that being out of the IT field for 2 years doesn't encourage people to hire you.

    Life has taken a decisive left turn from being a mess to being... something worse.

    So, am learning to get by on benefits, which don't even come close to covering my monthly bills. Earning a bit of money here and there writing, but not enough.

    Grief is amazingly persistent. I just saw Betty Boops' post, and it sounds like she's still struggling 18 months later. My friend passed 7 months ago in a few days, and I can appreciate how Betty is feeling.

    Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray Love just lost someone she was close to. She recently posted the following to her Facebook page, and if you have FB, I'd recommend finding her page and reading the full text. This is just a part of it, but it helped me.

    "That’s when she told me that I had it all wrong. My job on this earth was never to become a perfect caregiver. Or a perfect anything. My job on this earth (according to Rayya in her last days) has only ever to learn how to find mercy for myself. Mercy for the difficult — sometimes impossible — dilemma of being human.

    So for anyone out there today who is “failing” at being the perfect caregiver, the perfect mother, the perfect wife, the perfect friend...please drop the knife you are holding at your own throat. It was never your job to be the perfect ANYTHING. Your only job is to find mercy — starting with you. Again and again and again."

    But still, that isn't to say it's easy to forgive yourself. I keep reminding myself that I did my best, I gave my all. But still, I wish I could have done more.

    Life just doesn't seem to be moving forward. And when it does, it soon moves backwards 2 steps.

    Today is a zero day. A day where I do nothing. My 3rd migraine of the day has not long started, and I've essentially done nothing today. And, not beating myself up about it either. Just gotta let some days go.

    My friend's family has stopped coming around or staying in contact. Everyone has returned to their lives and I'm just here. I'm reconnecting a bit with old friends, but don't have anyone close. I miss my friend SO FREAKING MUCH.

    Hanging in there, one day at a time.

    so sorry for how you are feeling. Sad that her family havent kept in touch given what you did x


      Hi Pen.' I'm also sorry that your friends family are not in touch. They obviously don't know how much of yourself went into caring for your friend. It's nice to hear from you after several months. I hope that your one bedroomed flat now feels like home, your 'safe space.' Close friendship as you probably know cannot be planned. It just happens. So I hope that it happens for you soon. Good luck in your job hunt
      Care giving does not get the respect that it deserves from prospective employers, but I hope that you come across a good one. Take care. It's your time now. Lynne x
      ALS diagnosed November 2017, limb onset. For the 4 yrs previously I was losing my balance.

      I'm staying positive and taking each day as it comes.


        Hi Pen,

        It's lovely to hear from you but sorry that you are going through such a tough time.

        It must be very difficult to adjust to life without your darling friend Ezri, especially as you were so close and you devoted your life to caring for her for such a long time. Ezri was truly blessed to have you taking care of her so lovingly.

        I'm sorry that Ezri's family doesn't keep in touch. I am sure that, in time, you will make new friends who will appreciate what a very caring and kind person you are.

        Hopefully you will find a job in IT very soon. In the meantime, have you thought about doing some voluntary work? - it might be worth considering even if it's just for a few hours a week, so that you can meet new people and hopefully you would enjoy the work as well. I did a quick Google search 'volunteer work Norwich' and saw a few opportunities listed, including one for Oxfam (travel costs and lunch provided for volunteers). Voluntary work might not be quite what you are looking for work-wise but I've posted a link to details (just in case you are interested in seeing an example of the type of voluntary work that is available):-

        I know that bereavement counselling isn't everyone's cup of tea but you are such a lovely person and I don't like to think of you alone with no-one to talk things through with. You may already know about the charity 'Cruse', but if not, here is a link to information about their Norwich branch:-

        I really do hope things get better for you very soon. Please don't hesitate to keep in touch with us on this forum, if you would like to. It's always lovely to hear from you.

        Love and best wishes,

        Kayleigh x
        Last edited by Kayleigh; 14 June 2019, 23:03.


          Thanks everyone.

          Re. Kayleigh,

          Yes, I had thought about volunteer work, and contacted one organisation I was interested in, The Norfolk Wildlife Trust. That was 6 or 7 weeks ago, and they are still working their way through their volunteer list. Hoping to hear back from them something this year. :/

          I reached out to the Wellbeing centre a couple months ago, and they suggested I get in contact with Cruse. Which I did earlier this week. They phoned back and said they'd send me one of their leaflets, and if I still wanted counselling after reading the leaflet, I should get back in touch to be added to their waiting list. In the short 4 or 5 minute conversation I had with the lady, she mentioned their waiting list 3 or 4 times, and how they had 90 people awaiting counselling, and if I REALLY thought I needed it, I should get in touch but to read the leaflet first. She then passed me to another lady who took down my postal address.

          My first impression is that I don't want to wait 3 or 4 months to be seen by an organisation that clearly doesn't want to see me. And, if they are so strapped for staff, why did it take 2 people to tell me that and get my address?

          I can go back to the palliative care unit that supported us all last year. The counsellor there is really good, and she worked with me, and Ezri and the whole family. Ezri's brother saw her one-on-one for a few months, and I went to see her for a session a few months after Ezri died. But, I struggle really opening up to her. It just feels like she's too close to it all, knows what was going through Ezri's mind that Ezri couldn't tell me - which may or may not have involved me. I don't know, can't really explain it.

          Oh well. I'll muddle through. I do write a lot about how I feel and I have a notebook I write to Ezri in and am filling up with pictures and things.

          Hanging in there, one day at a time.


            Hello Pen,

            It's sad to hear you are struggling with your grief. I can understand what you were getting at when you were talking about the counsellor at the palliative care unit.

            Grief is a complicated process. As with MND, everyone's journey is different. When you need someone to talk to, don't forget about the Samaritans - they are not just there for people who feel suicidal.

            To contact the Samaritans, ring 116 123. This number is free to call from both landlines and mobiles, including pay-as-you-go mobiles. You do not need to have any credit or call allowance on your plan to call 116 123.

            Sending you electronic hugs. ((((()))))

            Trying to keep positive, but not always managing.