Hi,
Long before Ezri died, I knew there was going to be an important issue I'd have to deal with during my grieving process. And that was the challenge of forgiving myself. I knew when she was ill that I wasn't the best carer in the world. I knew that I could never be everything she needed or wanted me to be. I could only do my best. So every night for a year or so before she died, when I went to bed I did a mental check-in with myself and told myself that I did MY best that day.
Maybe I'd failed miserably in some task, or got something wrong, or maybe it was a great day. Regardless, I always had it firm in my head that I was doing my best, and each day I strived to do my best. My best according to me, because I knew I could never be perfect.
So when it came to forgiving myself for not being a better carer and doing a better job, it only took 5 or 6 months to work through that issue. We do like to blame ourselves, don't we.
Another issue around forgiveness presented itself to me this week, and that is the issue of forgiving Ezri.
The thing with a terminal disease, where you know you're going to die and have time to prepare for it, I guess I was picturing a very 'PS, I Love You' scenario. Where the person dying transcends their impending situation and thinks about the people around them, and seeks out ways to help them through the grieving process after they are gone.
And even though Ezri did thank me for being her carer, even though I know she appreciated all I did for her, all I gave up and lost, it never felt enough. I wish she had given me some words to live with for after she died.
But this week, I realised, she was just doing her best, by her, during those 2 years of Hell, just as I was doing my best by me. I put as much of me into putting her first as I could, and I know she did the same towards me and her family. So I've learned to forgive her for not living up to my expectations, and appreciate she was an amazing person that went through a horrific situation.
Be kind to each other. xx Pen
Long before Ezri died, I knew there was going to be an important issue I'd have to deal with during my grieving process. And that was the challenge of forgiving myself. I knew when she was ill that I wasn't the best carer in the world. I knew that I could never be everything she needed or wanted me to be. I could only do my best. So every night for a year or so before she died, when I went to bed I did a mental check-in with myself and told myself that I did MY best that day.
Maybe I'd failed miserably in some task, or got something wrong, or maybe it was a great day. Regardless, I always had it firm in my head that I was doing my best, and each day I strived to do my best. My best according to me, because I knew I could never be perfect.
So when it came to forgiving myself for not being a better carer and doing a better job, it only took 5 or 6 months to work through that issue. We do like to blame ourselves, don't we.
Another issue around forgiveness presented itself to me this week, and that is the issue of forgiving Ezri.
The thing with a terminal disease, where you know you're going to die and have time to prepare for it, I guess I was picturing a very 'PS, I Love You' scenario. Where the person dying transcends their impending situation and thinks about the people around them, and seeks out ways to help them through the grieving process after they are gone.
And even though Ezri did thank me for being her carer, even though I know she appreciated all I did for her, all I gave up and lost, it never felt enough. I wish she had given me some words to live with for after she died.
But this week, I realised, she was just doing her best, by her, during those 2 years of Hell, just as I was doing my best by me. I put as much of me into putting her first as I could, and I know she did the same towards me and her family. So I've learned to forgive her for not living up to my expectations, and appreciate she was an amazing person that went through a horrific situation.
Be kind to each other. xx Pen
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