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It's often on the drive home..

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    It's often on the drive home..

    So often I find I just don't want to go back home. I'll be out shopping, or running errands or whatever. Tonight, I was at a small social gathering for work. I've just moved to a new team, and it was a chance to meet everyone in person instead of a video chat. It was a lovely time, and we laughed a lot.

    But then, I had to drive home. I don't mind my home. Have been here about 2 years now, and I've made it my own. But it's empty. There is no Ezri here. No one to come home too. And worse, I no longer have my best friend, the person I'd confide in on social matters, or things at work or life in general. No one to bounce ideas off of or whose advice I can seek.

    I hate coming home. But, I also have no where else to go. No friends that live nearby, no family close at hand.

    I had a cat, but then figured out I was allergic to cats, which explained my 20+ migraines a month. Thinking of getting a dog, but I don't have a garden (yard), and I'm not sure I'm ready for a dog yet.

    Life will get better when the restrictions in the UK are lifted a bit more. Can't do Kung Fu at the moment, which was a big part of my social life. Getting back into Archery, and making new friends.

    It's such a long and slow process.

    Anyway, thanks for listening.

    xx Pen
    Hanging in there, one day at a time.

    I’m sorry that your feeling low Pen. This pandemic lockdown is testing everybody and even harder for those like yourself who are still, understandably grieving. I hope that things open up for you soon.

    About getting a dog. A lovely idea as they tend to be loving, forgiving and eventually feel like family. But they need walking at least twice per day and some destroy your home if left alone whilst their owner is at work. Also, puppies cannot be left on their own at all.

    How about a hairless cat? They look ugly but would be much the same personality wise.

    Love Lynne x
    ALS diagnosed November 2017, limb onset. For the 4 yrs previously I was losing my balance.

    I'm staying positive and taking each day as it comes.


      Hi Lynne,

      Generally, the grief isn't a big problem. But, sometimes, occasionally it is there. Like last night.

      I've thought about hairless cats. A friend of mine has a couple, and I think they are adorable. But, not sure yet if I'm allergic to the hair or the saliva. Something on my list to figure out.

      I've dogs in the household before, and know what I'd be getting myself into. But, it was Ezri's dog. This time I'd be able to pick the bread best suited to my lifestyle. But yeah, still requires walking, and as I don't have a garden, would have to walk it every time it needs the loo. Thankfully, I'm working from home for several more months, but eventually it might be an issue. I'm keeping all of that in mind.

      Actually thinking about a bearded dragon. I've had lizards before, and they are quite cool. Beardy's tend to be quite friendly and like human interaction. But, can't really curl up on the sofa or in bed with one, not like a dog.
      Hanging in there, one day at a time.


        Hi Pen

        Hope you don't mind,

        my husband has been diagnosed 4 weeks. At 56 and I am 46, no children and no pets

        I already miss our shopping together, all the coupley stuff, him getting stuff from the top shelf. I took over the shopping due to the Lockdown.

        We thought it was reumatoid in March

        I feel the grieving has started but keeping a cheerful front.

        The thought of sitting alone on the couch, makes me tearful (I am in the other room)

        From other grief experience it was a long while before you thinking I will have to tell X this, went away over time and I did not live with them.

        My heart goes out to you, wish I could give you a hug



        Carer for husband Thomas, diagnosed with MND of Fail Arm Type in July 2020.


          Mick was 58 on diagnosis, 59 when he died. It seems a lot of men mid to late 50s are diagnosed. Thinking of you all x


            Penwiggle I know exactly what you mean - I lost my lovely husband last August - (GLOSLAD) His health had been deteriorating for two yrs before started in his leg- he thought it was an old rugby injury - then sciatica - scan showed bulging disc so he had op to repair that =sciatica gone but leg still stiff, then his other leg started feeling heavy and dropping tea scalding himself - long story short he was eventually diagnosed at John Radcliffe July 2019 - he was not presenting in usual way as all his tests including nerve tests came back ok- bit by that time he could barely walk - to see a great big ex rugby playing sportsman become housebound in such a short time was devastating- My husband minimised everything I suppose as a way of coping - but he told everyone that the prof had diagnosed PLS - but that was not actually what he said - he said he wanted nerve tests repeated and he couldn't be sure for a year as sometimes you can get upper dominant signs and the lower motor neurones show later- anyway I know in my heart of hearts it wasn't PLS it was too rapid - he passed away 6 weeks following diagnosis from a Pulmonary Embolism which was secondary to his MND as he was so immobile - he had just accepted a hospital bed which was due to be delivered the day after he died - I think we both knew he wasn't going to leave that bed - I also think on reflection he was losing control of his swallow - he was coughing and stopped eating really - think he knew- don't know why im writing all this it just flows when you know people understand! Getting back to what you were saying Penwiggle - I find driving im often just crying - I have recently bought a new house in the country ( still have family home as daughter had two yrs left at school) and I. love it in new house but that...emptiness... its there all the time- I keep busy , work full-time - I was reflecting on it the other day my husband was 49 when he passed away and I feel that not only did I lose my husband but our future - all those plans we had were for us to do things together - I don't think it gets easier I have just become better at hiding it - its been just over a year now and I feel empty , lost and as though im just in a trance going through the motions of life - its when friends start talking about their plans with their husbands I really feel it then - and of course I want to hear about it I just feel that loss of those future plans we had . I think this has turned into a personal therapy session!!!! thanks for listening - if anyone knows anyone in the Oxfordshire area that is struggling/ needs a chat - thats where my new house is and happy to listen xx


              I don't mind reading it, if it helps you writing it. I worry about the pain my wife will go through when I die because we've spent virtually 24 hours a day together for over thirty years. It's like she'll suffer twice, first watching me suffering from the disease while having to be my carer, then secondly when I've gone. I only suffer once.
              Each day is made easier with a bit of humour.


              • Some of my most precious memories of loved ones are from final days and moments.


                  My husband is still here but I read your words knowing one day they will be mine.

                  Love and hugs from
                  when i can think of something profound i will update this.


                    I feel you. Covid is making everything more difficult. I hope when restrictions ease you can start meeting people again.

                    I read a few bits on anticipatory grief recently. When I have a cry this is exactly the process. Dreading the emptiness and the 'something is missing' feeling. I've always been pretty independent as an individual and so have got used to doing alot by myself quite quickly over the last year or so, but like anticipating everything else in the journey, I do anticipate the eventual emptiness. I don't think anything will prepare us.


                      Life is empty if you choose. Think about it 😉😊x
                      Bulbar started Jan 2020. Mute and 100% tube fed but mobile and undefeated. Stay Strong 🤗😘🤗😁xx