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Anticipatory Grief

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  • denise
    replied
    Stephen is in his 4th year since diagnosis but I'm sure its been around longer than that. With mnd and ftd I try not to look to far behind or forward. I don't know what to expect so I'm just taking each day as it comes. Making the most of what we have. I think it's just trying to cope. Sometimes it's not so bad, sometimes its dreadful. Today it feels ok. Goodness knows what tomorrow will be like but it might be fine so that's good enough for me. That's all I can do. I know I could do with a room where I could scream and yell but I'm trying to be calm. I'm just trying to be as normal as possible. It's not easy. 😐

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  • Piglet
    replied
    Huge hugs to everyone here. My husband is in his 5th year with MND. Like Shrew I’ve cried every day since. My heart goes out to you all and may you find some comfort within yourselves.xx

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  • DeeH
    replied
    MMG


    You describe it so well. The blissful "before"

    Hugs and strength

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  • MMG
    replied
    I know what you mean, my life is now one of three distinct things, the blissful "before" diagnosis, our old wonderful life where we did things together and planned our future, the "now", where we both grieve for our old life, the loss of so many things as he loses the ability to do something else, the grief of losing him before I lose him, the grief of having the next 30 years together taken from us, the grief of being alone in the future, the grief of the physical heartbreak I feel in watching him fade from the man he was, and the "after" where I will have a very different life from what I wanted and we had planned and the guilt I feel when I think about the "after"

    In the "now" the grief is very acute, the tears are constantly prickling the backs of my eyes. I don't know how the people with this awful disease cope, hubby doesn't complain, but I see the fear, pain and upset in his eyes. We have no idea how long is left, we have and continue, to do as much as is possible to make memories and enjoy what time is left but that doesn't take away the current grief. Days like today, valentines day, Christmas etc are hard as they are a reminder that we haven't got the future that we wanted. I don't look forward to my future as it will be without him. I am having counselling which does help, but doesn't change the fact that I am losing bits of him every day.

    Grief is certainly not only after you life someone.

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  • DeeH
    replied
    Thanks for all the links.

    I will look into it.

    Felt this with my mum and dad with dementia, still here of a fashion in 2022. Dealing with it since 2006.

    Thomas supported me through out and we put so much off because of my parents and now he has this terrible disease for the last 18 months.

    I will be alone and an only child.

    But I am tired as well.

    Glad they are here all 3 of my loved ones but it is still a grief because you are just waiting as neither is curable.

    You are just waiting for the next loss. Not death but loss of ability. Another little death (not in the good way).

    This forum and others on Facebook keep me going, as I know I am not alone with these strange emotions.

    It is a strange limbo.

    Only 48, wonder what my life will be will be like "after". Assuming I out live everyone I am caring for.

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  • Petersnd janice
    replied
    Reading all the positive things on here Lifts your spirit and makes you feel less isolated Lost my beautiful Jan in sept . Thanks everyone

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  • Bowler
    replied
    matthew55 cheers.....good to have you back 😉

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  • matthew55
    replied
    We are all born and we all die. Time is the only thing that helps and it's a precious commodity. Try to focus on the good things and not dwell on the past. Just saying 😃x

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  • Bowler
    replied
    Deb 😘

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  • Deb
    replied
    It must be impossibly difficult to be a full time support for a loved one with MND and then be left alone. MND carers are heroes !

    Sending you big hugs Bowler and Shrew. Ann and Mick were fortunate to have your love and care.

    Love Debbie x

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  • Bowler
    replied
    richard that means so much. Thank you

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  • richard
    replied
    Bowler I know it’s the wrong forum but I just want to give you a big hug. Man to man, often needed but seldom received.

    Richard

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  • shrew
    replied
    so sad for you Bowler. I know what you mean by your purpose. I find it so hard when I see couples together. I feel cheated out of our future. I am lucky, I have 2 daughters, a grandson, son in law, siblings, a job that I love. I try to stay positive but life will never ever be the same again

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  • Bowler
    replied
    shrew I feel a bit the same. I lost Ann to this evil thing ( my wife ) on 23rd October. I spent 5 years caring for Ann 24/7 365. Then at 4.30 am on that morning it suddenly all stopped. Since then I have lost my purpose in life. For the preceding year we never went further than the garden. Once lockdown kicked in we didn’t see anyone. Now people say that the current lockdown must be easy for me because I spent a year in a lockdown situation caring for Ann. It’s absolutely not the same. The silence is deafening.
    I tell myself things will get easier but until if and when that happens the good people on this forum are my life line.

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  • shrew
    replied
    I can relate to you Jane, I felt the same. I check in on here regular. You dont feel part of anything anymore when you are alone. I lost my Parents, I am no longer a Daugther, I lost Mick, I am no longer a Wife. Everywhere you go its couples. I wish you all strength as you face this terrible illness. My prayer is that one day there will be a cure.

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